Sunday, May 27, 2012


the slow reveal of Jesus' face.

something to be

What the fuck is wrong with our culture?

Everything is saturated. Everything is shit.
Not so negative, just numb.

Not related:

Saturday, May 19, 2012

So here's a story

I get angry every time I don't get to hear a song I like on the radio.

Which might not make sense,
because I can hear music when I want.
I'm a 21st century human in the modern world (redundant).

when I know I missed Billie Holiday
on the radio
I'm infuriated.

Which, shouldn't make sense,
in hind sight it doesn't make sense to me,

even though I listen to Billie Holiday every day,
I can't help but want the spontaneity,
it is she entering my life,
not me seeking her.

It's like,
even if you work at the pet shop,
there's nothing like a new cat
to bring it all home.

( What a prolific way to end. )


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”

Saturday, May 12, 2012

I just found the worst

list of "Reasons to live"

You can laugh at them with me, they also picked a crimson theme to their website...not a good choice.
They should have called this, 
"Things people don't think when they're going to kill themselves."
I'm feeling particularly cynical, which I didn't think could happen, but here I am. 
I better do this instead of killing myself.

Reasons To Live When You Are Thinking About Killing Yourself 
Things people don't think when they're going to kill themselves.

1. I care enough about myself to live I don't care about myself, I want to die.
2. I believe I can find other solutions to my problems I have so many problems with no hope of solving them.
3. I still have many things left to do If I kill myself, all those things I have left to do will go away.
4. I have hope that things will improve and the future will be happier 
I have no hope, things will never improve and I will never be happy.
5. I have the courage to face life I'm afraid to face my life.
6. I want to experience all that life has to offer and there are many experiences I haven’t had yet which I want to have
I don't want to experience the shitty things life has to offer, I've been through a lot and I've had enough.
7. I believe everything has a way of working out for the best  I believe everything has a way of fucking me over.

8. I believe I can find a purpose in life, a reason to live I have no purpose or reason to live.
9. I have a love of life I hate life.
10. No matter how badly I feel I know that it will not last I feel like shit and will continue to feel like shit forever.
11. Life is too beautiful and precious to end it Life's a bitch.
12. I am happy and content with my life I hate myself and want to die.
13. I am curious about what will happen in the future  My life has only gotten worse as I've grown older and I'm afraid for the future.
14. I see no reason to hurry death along Death is my only option, I can't die fast enough, I hate myself and want to die.
15. I believe I can learn to adjust or cope with my problems I can't deal with my problems anymore.
16. I believe killing myself would not really accomplish or solve anything Death is the only option.
17. I have a desire to live I have lost the desire to live.
18. I am too stable to kill myself (This one is just ridiculous...if you were stable you wouldn't be fucking thinking about killing yourself.) I do not think about stability because I am unstable and just think about FUCKING KILLING MYSELF.
19. I have future plans I am looking forward to carrying out I have no plans and no future and am aimless
20. I do not believe that things get miserable or hopeless enough that I would rather be dead
I do believe that things are so miserable and hopeless enough that I would rather be dead.
21. I do not want to die I hate myself and want to die.

22. Life is all we have and is better than nothing Anything is better than this/
23. I believe I have control over my life and destiny I have no control over my life.
24. It would hurt my family too much and I would not want them to suffer I am suffering so much that I would rather be dead.
25. I would not want my family to feel guilty afterwards Maybe I have a shitty family or no family.
26. I would not want my family to think I was selfish or a coward Same answer.
27. My family depends on me and needs me  Same answer.
28. I love and enjoy my family too much and could not leave them  Same answer.
29. My family might believe I did not love them   Same answer.
30. I have a responsibility and commitment to my family  Same answer.
31. The effect on my children could be harmful 

I am definitely not thinking about my children and/or think I'm a terrible parent, they're better off literally anywhere.
32. It would not be fair to leave the children for others to take care of  Same answer.
33. I want to watch my children as they grow  Same answer.
34. I am afraid of the actual “act” of killing myself (the pain, blood, violence) The pain of death does not compare to the pain of life.
35. I am a coward and do not have the guts to do it That question seems like judgement. You're right, I should just kill myself.
36. I am so inept that my method would not work  Better not give up then. On giving up, that is.
37. I am afraid that my method of killing myself would fail I'm probably more afraid of living.
38. I am afraid of the unknown I know that my life is terrible.

39. I am afraid of death I hate myself and want to die.
40. I could not decide where, when and how to do it None of these things matter as long as I'm dead.
41. Other people would think I am weak and selfish Fuck other people.
42. I would not want people to think I did not have control over my life I do not have control over my life.
43. I am concerned about what others would think of me Everybody hates me. I hate myself and want to die.
44. My religious beliefs forbid it I am not religious.
45. I believe only God has the right to end a life My God has betrayed me.
46. I consider it morally wrong Not thinking about morals...
47. I am afraid of going to hell My life is hell.

Their list definitely made me want to kill myself.